Appreciations I I'm chatting up a very sweet woman when my friend happens by and says to her, "Can't you find a handsome man to talk to?" My heart does a little ouch and I'm embarrassed that my pain can be read on my face. The woman comes to my 'rescue' with, "Oh but he's kinda handsome." Kinda handsome? Sigh. I shrug it off. It's just a little joke at my expense. I know these jabs are how this man talks to his men friends. Jousting and kidding is sort of a male camaraderie thing with him. Some people consider it an act of friendship to toughen you up. My partner tells me when she was a kid she had a friend who would often say, "Think Fast!" and give her a quick punch to the stomach. My partner spent her youth keeping her stomach tight and protected. I think in some way the jabs are actually a distorted way to love, but it only serves to keep one's guard up. I remember as a younger man doing it too, but somewhere along my path, perhaps with the aid of therapy, realizing that the little jabs eat away at self esteem the way a tiny grain of sand in the wind erodes another grain off a mountain, and then there are two tiny grains floating in the malevolent wind. So I try to remember to separate jousting from joking. I don't want to hold my stomach tight, nor do I want others to be on the defensive around me. As a result I've become more vulnerable these days. I cry more easily; I can see into people more deeply. And yet along with the lush emotional riches of an open heart comes an increased vulnerability to pain. So I can see why people don't let their guard down. We learn to deflect even the compliments that come along because of the danger in relaxing those emotional stomach muscles. Society helps us stay stiff and strong. We're trained to focus on our shortcomings so we can learn from them and improve. At the same time we're trained that focusing on our virtues is the sin of pride. We shroud our intrinsic worth with shame. Who do we think we are accepting compliments? It's hubris, a challenge and insult to the perfect omnipotence of god. Marianne Williamson says, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world." So next week I'll write a bit about appreciating ourselves, and sharing appreciations Until then I invite you to take the first step, as always: to notice. Just notice how you feel when you're judged, how you feel when you're appreciated. |
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