Appreciations II Writing this article, I was interrupted by a call from a friend who, in the course of conversation said how much he appreciated me, mentioning my writing, my music, and the powerful presence I bring to a room. His words were like a tropical wave lifting me in a warm caress to the sun. It felt like my life goals were validated. I broke into a broad smile and then into laughter when I remembered what I'd written last week: to notice. Until that moment I really hadn't stopped to become fully aware of how loved I felt. There's a kind of high when you feel whole; I almost let that beautiful experience of completion pass without taking it in. Contentment comes when we let in love. But I remember times when I never gave myself the opportunity. I'd deflect appreciations like a goalie deflecting pucks. It's not uncommon. Stan Dale once gave a self-love workshop to a group of playboy bunnies. Every one of those paragons of beauty whose figures are adored by society hated their bodies and cut themselves up constantly. For some reason all they liked about themselves were their teeth. Sometimes I play a little game where each person has a minute to say what we don't like about ourselves. The time flies and a minute isn't long enough. But when we're given the same minute to say what we love about ourselves, the time drags and we can't fill it. Learning to accept appreciations from other people is a step toward learning the big one: appreciating oneself. So here are a few tricks when someone pays you a compliment. First, breathe. Take it in. Give it a moment to settle and at least a chance to take root. Second, the proper response to an appreciation is to say "thank you." "Thank you, but ... " is not a thank you. It actually demeans the intention of the person complimenting you. Third, notice. How does the appreciation make you feel? Is your mouth saying 'thank you' while your mind is busy erasing the good feelings? Another trick to accepting appreciations is to put yourself in the other person's shoes when they're speaking. Can you see what it is they like about you? Repeat to yourself what they've said. Would you treat or judge another person as harshly as you do yourself? For some of us the golden rule should be reversed: treat yourself as you would treat others. Our habits around accepting compliments aren't likely to change overnight. Many of us need to slog through a thick morass of negative history which has blocked us from reaching the solid ground of self esteem. At the bottom of it we all want to be loved -- and appreciations are a way of giving love. Appreciations open the door to deeper intimacy. |
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