Family Meetings Our household comprises two parents and two grown children. Shift work means some are sleeping when others are waking. Our musical tastes (and volume preferences) differ. Some smoke, some don't. Some rooms are neat, some messy. Some help out, some don't. So it's not surprising frictions develop. Recently my partner suggested we call a family meeting to deal with some of them. I realized we hadn't had one for several years. In today's harried society the opportunities to spend time with each other are often more limited than in the past if they ever existed. Shows like "Leave it to Beaver" and "Father Knows Best" depicted mythologies when parents and children supposedly had long, heartwarming conversations around the family dinner table. That didn't happen in my childhood. We were too busy watching the shows to be talking to each other. The best place to hold family meetings is where there are few distractions, not in a room with the TV or stereo on. Around the kitchen or dining room table is OK but not during mealtime. A family meeting is a structured discussion time that typically involves all members of a family. It is a great way to communicate with one another. It provides a forum for making group decisions, assigning responsibilities, sharing positive feelings, and choosing activities for family fun. In our house a family meeting is mostly an opportunity to listen to each other -- just listen and care. When a person feels listened to, very often the problem itself transforms, and the solution becomes the easy part. Family meetings will run much more smoothly if there is a set agenda for each meeting. One way is to have an "agenda list" on the fridge, headed by the date and time of the next meeting. Anyone can write a concern which will be added to the agenda. Besides problems, agenda items should include thank yous, appreciations and recent positive experiences. We'll sometimes start a family meeting by holding hands, closing our eyes and taking a breath. One person will guide us in a 30 second meditation to help bring us focused into the present, and in a place of mutual caring and respect. Some good ground rules are: no one person should dominate the conversation. Every family member should be given a chance to express his or her views. Family members should takes turns being the chairperson, the one who ensures order, that only one topic be discussed at a time, not moving on until everyone agrees to do so, taking turns speaking, no putting other people down, and no fighting or arguing. In our family, yelling, crying and anger are perfectly acceptable, as long as the words are spoken in "I" statements, that is, one takes responsibility for one's feelings and doesn't make the other person wrong. |
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