Talk-Touch
One way that Leslie and I keep our love alive is through our conversations. We talk about everything. We talk about the weather, current events, books we're reading, friends we have in common, friends our partner hasn't met or doesn't know well, the kids, work, everything. We talk about things we're afraid to talk about. Maybe you remember, one of our rules is anything you think you can't or shouldn't say, you must say. We talk about things we have a habit of not talking about—we both notice deep hesitancy in asking for 100% of what we want in our sexuality. It doesn't feel like fear, more like deep neuronal pathways to keep silent and hope our partner fortuitously happens to do the thing desired. If they get it right, then appropriate moaning and sighing will let them know. If they don't get it right, the habit is to let it go, enjoy what is being given. So we talk about that habit, and gently teach ourselves to talk about everything. And, paradoxically, sometimes talk actually gets in the way of intimacy! We can hide in our words. We build arguments and debates, when our hearts are crying out for hugs and cuddles. We strive to understand why—Why did you say that? Why am I feeling this? Why don't I like that? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't I learn this as a child? Why? Why? Why? As if understanding, comprehension, analysis is the goal. But understanding is often the consolation prize, that useless toy that game shows give to the losers. And analysis often creates paralysis. In science and engineering it is often useful to search for causality (this is so because that is so), in the affairs of the human heart it is often useless. Or maybe worse than useless, causal thinking can interfere with intimacy. When our heart aches we want contact, not explanations. The best thing I can do for Leslie when she is hurt or upset is to stay present with her, to hold her, to listen and not ask questions. The best thing Leslie can do for me when I'm hurt or upset is to stay present with me, to hold me, to listen and not ask questions. Most often, sexuality will flow when we are ready to stop talking about it and start doing it. And if our talking is having either of us feeling isolated, more alone, less supported, then we interpret that as a clue that we should stop talking and start stroking each other's face. In other words, talk is very important, but touch is even more important than talk. —Chip August has been leading Love, Intimacy and Sexuality workshops for HAI for 15 years. |
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