Time Out My partner says she's less loving with me when I'm angry "all the time". I find I'm more angry with her when she's unloving "all the time". It's a vicious cycle. The last time we had an argument I found myself getting angry and putting my coat on and she saying, "I hate when you run away before we're finished." So with some kind of distorted sense of not being the one to blame, I took my coat off and we continued. I got angrier and angrier and she became more and more accusatory of my anger. So I calmed myself down, managed the conversation to enable her to feel finished, and then when she was done and offered me a coffee, to her consternation I got up and left. I spent the next half hour pounding and yelling in private. Then I remembered a tool I'd researched and written about (although not here) called the TIME OUT. If an argument is being hurtful to either or both partners, consider taking a "Time Out." An argument can't continue if one of the arguers has left the room. Now when someone leaves in the middle, the one left behind often feels rejected, incomplete and furious. These feelings of abandonment can be ameliorated if there is a prior commitment to each other that it is always OK to leave the room, and that the discussion will continue at a calmer time. The commitment might look something like this, which each partner speaks aloud to the other: "If you're feeling the need for a break, I will stop speaking and let you leave the room to take a Time Out, or I will leave the room. If I leave, I will state a time that I will return to finish talking more respectfully about the problem. I will not prevent you from leaving the room, or shame you if you say you're taking a 'Time Out'." The wording of the agreement may vary, but make sure the agreement about Time Outs is secured before the conflict begins. Both parties should say it aloud to each other. Make sure the name, "Time Out" is used to describe the tool. And remember, the person who takes the Time Out says when they'll return to talk more calmly and respectfully. Taking Time Outs can help maintain trust within a relationship that is being damaged. Physical and emotional abuse is avoided, and can become a thing of the past. Next week I'll talk about the goals of a Time Out and what can happen during a Time Out to improve relationship. |
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